theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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