I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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