My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
