I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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