Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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