you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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