I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
