Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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