If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize