Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Houston, we have a squirter
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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