I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
