I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
