im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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