did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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