And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
