you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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