dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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