you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
