dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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