i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
