Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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