I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
