woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
