Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
