I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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