Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
