Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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