She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
