I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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