i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize