Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
