The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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