if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize