Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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