just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
