I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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