ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
