Got a toothbrush?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
