He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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