I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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