wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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