He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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