Screwed.edu
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
and you fell through a lawn chair
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
