Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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