Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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