I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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