you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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