We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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