The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
