some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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