i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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