dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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