I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
