I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
