Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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