threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think your dad took our porno
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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