know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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