Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
