Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize