I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
