whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
