trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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